Samuel's Birthday Books, Part II

I just got a call this afternoon that Samuel's book were out on display at the library. As soon as Bryan came home, we hopped in the car and headed over. The children's section is located at the back of the building, but as soon as we came in, we saw the top of the tree.

As we walked over, we saw a mother with her kids looking at the display. I casually flipped through some books nearby so I could listen in. (You know, how you do...)

This is what we heard:

Mother, pointing to each word: "Samuel Evan Fredrickson...that's his name". (My heart almost burst with pride)
Younger child: "What's his first name?"
Mother: "Samuel. His mommy and daddy gave all these books to the library for other kids to read."
Older child: "He's in heaven?"
Mother: "Yes, sometimes people die and they go to heaven."
Younger child: "Is he a ghost?"
Mother: "No, he's not a ghost."
Older child: "Is he still a baby?"
Mother: "Yes, you stay the same age forever."
Younger child: "Why did he die? (I have the same question, little boy!)
Mother: "I don't know. Some things I can't explain"

They picked up their books and walked away. I stood there trying not to sob in the middle of the children's section. That was so neat that we got to hear their conversation. (Do you think the library would mind if I just hang out every day in the chair so I can listen to more of these conversations?)

Here is Samuel's Birthday Book display:

As always, it's hard to put all the emotions into words. Pride, excitement, happiness. Sadness, emptiness, longing. It's always a mix. I'm so proud to have his photo, name, and books out in public. I'm so excited that people will speak his name over and over again. I'm happy it's so special. I'm sad that he's not here to see it. I'm empty because happiness is always overshadowed by his absence. I long for life to be different. I wish I was the mommy with living children, explaining it to him instead. She's very lucky.

I'm touched that so many people are helping us honor his life. I'm proud to have him so prominently displayed.

Obviously, this is a way for families to talk about something that most don't want to acknowledge: babies die. All the time. Every day. Mostly, for no reason at all.

I was really impressed with how the mother spoke to her children. I loved that she said "I don't know" when they asked why. There is no answer. That's the perfect explanation. If only more families would talk about death openly, maybe we wouldn't live in a world that has no clue how to react to it. Honestly, this was an outcome of the display I hadn't thought of.

Once again, I'm reminded of how special our little guy is to people. That always makes life easier.

Samuel, I'm so proud to be your mama <3

Art by Julie Abbott

Jewelry Keepsakes, A Review

Recently, I was contacted by a representative from Jewelry Keepsakes, asking for my opinion of their memorial jewelry collections.

They offered me a free piece of my choice, in return for my review.

I love gifts, and I especially love Samuel gifts, so of course, I agreed!

I spent some time looking through the website and found some very nice things. They have some beautiful cremation jewelry (jewelry that holds the ashes of your loved one), engraved pendants, and other lovely items.

We have Samuel's ashes in a little wooden box, so we were not looking for cremation jewelry, but there were some really beautiful things I would have chosen if we were looking. I especially liked the unique and custom section.

I decided to go with an engraved heart pendant. I have a heart-shaped necklace with a photo holder that I liked to wear, but the photo would always find a way to get smudged or ripped and I would feel bad. This way, his photo would be etched into the metal, and I'd never have to worry about it being destroyed. Plus, my wedding ring and Samuel ring are gold, so having a gold necklace really appealed to me.

I sent in a photo of Samuel:

The engraving instructions:
Our Little Love
Samuel Evan
April 14th, 2012

My necklace arrived the next day.

Front

Back

It's beautiful! It's such a clear image. It looks just like his photo. And the engraving is very special to me. It's a polished gold that is very shiny and eye-catching. This would be a treasured gift to give a loss mama. (I know I'll treasure mine!)

If I ordered again, I'd probably order the next size smaller, as it's a bit large for everyday wear (it's 1 1/8" w x 1" h). But it's really perfect for when I want something noticeable to show him off. And since it's so very shiny, it's susceptible to fingerprints, but they wipe off with a clean soft cloth.

A lot of memorial item website have beautiful things that are super expensive. That has always bothered me. It feels like they are taking advantage of a hurting group of people. Jewelry Keepsakes has a good mix of costs and I think most everyone could find something special to fit their budget.

Overall, I think it's beautiful. Definitely something I'll wear when I want to share his precious little face with everyone I meet.

Thank you, Jewelry Keepsakes, for my beautiful gift <3.

Two

Our little bunny is two. Can you believe it? I can't. How has it possibly been two entire years since we met him? That's too long. (It's always too long). I guess we're two years closer to seeing him again. Hopefully, that day is not too far off.

The days leading up to the 14th were very hard. Lots of anger, lots of tears, lots of sitting and staring off into space with a empty feeling in my soul. More stupid quarrels with Bryan. More arguments in my head with strangers who were not parenting well enough. More wishing life were different. More reliving that week of labor and hospital shuffle. More wondering at what point things went so wrong.

Less sleep. Less eating well. Less desire to do anything.

We had a few plans for his birthday, but we also wanted to see how we felt. I couldn't sleep the night before, so I woke up early. I felt...calm. The days before a big event are usually harder for me than the actual day. It's like I'm fighting it and then it happens and there is nothing I can do to stop it. I decorated his table with some special birthday things we had picked up the day prior. I think he would have really liked it!

We kept his special candle burning most of the day for him.

As you know, we'd asked family and friends to send us books to donate to our library. The past few weeks have been filled with book deliveries! It's meant so much to me each time I opened a package and saw some shiny new books inside. It helped make the time leading up to his birthday easier, and we are grateful to everyone who sent us some. We appreciate you <3.

The day before his birthday, we set them all up and counted...

218 total! Can you believe it??  Two-hundred-eighteen!! We are lucky to have so much love and support.

As you can see in the photo, we also received a bunch of cards, and special gifts. Every gift was special to us and we are so thankful for each one.

We placed labels in the cover of every book:

Look at the super cute bunny with a book! It's an illustration by Anita Jeram. I love, love, love her artwork!

We also read a lot of the books together. We used to read to Samuel together and it brought us back to that special family time we had. (Needless to say, there were a lot of kleenex breaks).

We bagged/boxed them all up and drove them over to the library.

After Samuel's party, we had the tree sitting in our dining room and no clue what to do with it. Bryan's mother had suggested we give it to the library. I called them and talked to the children's director and she loved the idea! They agreed to set it up as a display with Samuel's Birthday Books. Isn't that super special?

Our neighbor graciously helped us lug it over to the library in his truck earlier in the week.

We dropped off the books and are awaiting a call to hear they are all processed (they have to catalog them before they can put them out) and ready to be displayed. I'll post more when it's up. Hopefully, soon!

For lunch, we made - what else? - Samuel burgers. If you recall, I craved meat like a caveman during my pregnancy with Samuel, and he loved hamburgers (and ribs, and any other bbq. He was all boy!)

We were going to grill outside, but it was super cold and very windy. Thankfully, we have an indoor grill that worked great. (Check out Bryan's monster burger...almost a half pound...the crazy man :)  ).

In the afternoon, we decided to watch some movies we thought Samuel might like. Winnie the Pooh was my choice. Then, we both had some time to ourselves. Sometimes, you just need to be alone for a while and we both knew it was needed that day.

Samuel was born at 6:28pm. Our plan was to send up his balloons at that time. But we went outside and it was so windy we knew it wouldn't work. We're going to try again when it's not so crazy, weather-wise (it's 36 degrees today -YIKES).

Instead of that, we lit the candles on his cake and sang a very sad version of Happy Birthday Samuel.

the fruit "melted" the icing, so it's a bit sad looking. But it tasted yummy!

We blew out the candles together and then I cried for a while.

Here is Samuel just after he was born.

Isn't he the sweetest little guy, ever?

Oh, my heart, I miss him. I love him so <3

This is from one of the books we received. It really touched my heart.

"

"Mommy Rabbit had a baby. His name was Bunny". Let's just say there were lots of tears when I read that. It's from the book, Bunny by Honey, by Anita Jeram. Clearly, Samuel looked like his daddy, only smaller, but it's perfect <3.

Overall, it was as good as a day as possible. We had SO MUCH LOVE and support. We got texts and messages and tons of love on Facebook. It does my heart good to know how much people love and miss him with us. It means a lot that people took the time to tell us.

Today, we began our third year without him. That makes no sense to me at all. We would be having so much fun with a little guy. Life is hard without him here. As always, we just keep on going, one day at a time.

Thank you to every person who helped make his birthday special. We treasure each friend who cares enough to show it.

A Hungry Caterpillar Birthday Party

Yesterday was Samuel's birthday party for family and close friends. We decided a while ago to use The Very Hungry Caterpillar by Eric Carle as the theme. It is a cute story of a little caterpillar who grows very hungry and eats his way through weeks of food before entering a cocoon and transforming into a beautiful butterfly. I like that it shares commonalities with Samuel's story. I like that we have a book theme to this birthday. I don't like that he's not here to share it with us. I don't like that, a lot. I hate it.

But, as per usual, there is nothing I can do except keep on going, so we did our best to make it special.

Here are the invitations I sent out:

 

 Each jar had a caterpillar and a paper leaf with the party information written on it.

I had the idea of making a background for the food table that resembled a page from the book, so I enlisted the help of my parents to make an almost life-sized tree. I designed it, my dad cut it out and assembled it, and my mom painted it. I love how it turned out!

Here is the room before we decorated:

and during decorating:

 

Sixlets candy caterpillars

We used leaf plates with signs for each day with the food he ate that day.

For the Swiss cheese day, I ordered a meat and cheese tray and we had buns to make sandwiches.
 
We also had: mini chicken pot pies, mini sausages, summer sausage, pickles, corn muffins (for the cupcake day), lollipops, and all the fruit.

I love how it all turned out!

I used a blue plastic table cloth as the "sky" and my mom painted the sun on some orange poster-board. The letters are from Amazon.

After last year's cake issues, I decided to order him a cake this year. I think it turned out really cute!

 

I made Samuel Bunny a cute little birthday shirt with a caterpillar.

We had everyone who came color a page in this book, and leave a birthday note for Samuel.

For the past few months, I've been looking to find the perfect things to make this day very special for him. I wanted to do something like a balloon release we did last year, but tailored to the book. I decided to do a butterfly release, but upon further research, we learned MN is too cold this time of year to hold a release. (boo!) So, instead, I came up with an alternative,  Magic Flyers: paper butterflies that wind up and actually fly out of your hands!

After lunch, we all went to the park for our "butterfly" release.


I like to imagine Samuel was looking down to see how much we all love and miss him.

We came back home, ate some cake and watched The Very Hungry Caterpillar on Netflix. Then, we opened gifts. We are lucky to have friends and family who care so much about us and Samuel.

Look at all the Birthday Books!

The day was as good as it could have been. This year was easier than last, but not by much. There is always a huge gaping hole where a noisy little boy covered in cake should be. My heart hurts that he's not here to enjoy his special day.

I'm really glad we decided to have his party a week before his actual birthday again. It helps give us time to process before the big day. One week from today. I don't even want to think about it.

Happy Birthday Party Day, Samuel! We hope you loved seeing your party, it's all for you! We miss you more than we can say <3. 

XOXOXO,
Mama & Daddy