Twelve Days: The End of 2015

This year has been full of ups and downs. We started the year in a new home, in a new state, in a new place in our lives. We're ending the year in a place of uncertainty, and upheaval, but also with a hope that soon we'll find a place to land.

Christmas at home was a nice as it can be without Samuel - which is to say, not very nice - but it was good to be in a safe place to just be with our emotions. Having his tree up made a difference, and i'm thankful we were able to stay for this time.

Since my last post, we have some news and plans to share.

When Bryan went to the second round of interviews for the Portland job, the HR manager met with him first, to say that the position he was interviewing for had been filled internally, but they wanted to interview him for another position they had open. (Thanks for letting him know before he came prepared for the other one...)  The other position was not quite as good of a fit, so we will not be living in Portland. Or in Oregon, for that matter.

Our next option was to move back to Minnesota to stay with family while looking for jobs in the Midwest. Most of the companies that manufacture the type of products that Bryan knows best are in the Midwest, so from a career standpoint it would be beneficial to be in that part of the country. It would also give us a place to stay for free, so we don't accumulate more debt. Obviously, staying with family is not our idea of being self-sufficient adults, and it can be hard on relationships, so we really didn't want that to be more than a few weeks at most.

But then, a new opportunity came about. An aunt and uncle of mine are traveling for the next two months and need a house-sitter. They heard about our lovely little situation, and offered their home to us. Can you believe how nicely that worked out? They leave for their first stint of their travels on the 12th (the same day we close) and will be back in March. That gives us about two months for Bryan to find a job and for us to find a place to settle back in to life. It's such a relief to have a place to go! They live in the Twin Cities, near our family and friends, and they have a big house with lots of room for us to store our things during our stay.

As my aunt is also my grandmother's primary caregiver, I'll be stepping in during this time to take over. That will help us know if her moving in with us in the coming months will be a good plan, or if it's not going to work. It'll be a trial run, of sorts.

Despite things being so unknown, and up in the air, I don't feel panicked like I have been. I'm really hoping this time will be enough for Bryan to find a great job he loves, and for us to land somewhere we like.

Honestly, I'm very disappointed to leave Oregon. I really love it here and it will be sad to leave. It's such a beautiful place to live, and the people are so laid back. It's been a good experience for us as we rebuild our lives. But there's no way to stay, there's just not enough of the right kind of mechanical engineering jobs for Bryan, so we're moving on, and we can always visit. But I'm going to miss the ocean and the mountains and the farms where I shopped for all the wonderful fruits and veggies we've grown accustomed to this past year.

Unfortunately, I'm leaving behind a very sweet friend who I'll dearly miss. She also lost her first son and we have had many Panera-fests for hours on end talking about our boys, and life with no living children. If I could bring her along, I would. I guess it's one more reason to plan a return trip.

I'm disappointed to leave because we had so many things we planned to explore, and didn't even make a dent in the list.

The "funny" part is that we moved here to escape the terrible winters, and we're moving back in January. Well-played, life. Thankfully, we kept all our layers of outerwear and boots and heavy coats. I have a feeling it's going to be a rude awakening when we step out of our car and our faces freeze instantly. So much for 50 degree winters...

Lastly, I want to say that Bryan and I are completely floored by the outpouring of support we've received since we shared our job/moving/etc news. I wish I had words to say how much it means to know that our friends, family, and even strangers care about us. <3 Thank you!

It's very awkward for me to accept financial help from people, because I always feel there are people who are *MUCH* more in need than we are. But it will make a *huge* difference for us in the coming months, and we are ever so grateful. And, we promised ourselves that once we are settled, and things turn around, we'll be paying it forward in memory of all the sweet babies in heaven we know. 

Truly, we are surrounded by people who care.

So, I guess that's it for now. It's the last day of what turned into a hard year. It feels like it was our Oregon Year. I'm glad we came. We needed it. I'm sad to leave. But just like always, we'll take things as they come, and we'll be fine. Since it's NYE, I'll leave you with this, for Samuel. <3 Always held firmly in our hearts, wherever life takes us. 

The Difference a Day Makes (29 Days)

My dear friends, we are overwhelmed by support! Honestly, I've been an emotional mess the past few days. The stress of this all, the missing of Samuel, the gratitude for those who have been uplifting us, the crabbiness of packing when I don't want to pack, the feeling of being completely at the mercy of the companies Bryan's applying to, the uncertainty, etc, etc, etc. It's all made for a messy me.

Yesterday, after all that happened, I was just drained. To see people giving to us, when I know it's a tight time for everyone, was like a big warm hug from our friends. Even those who sent notes just to say "I'm thinking of you" made me feel like everything is going to be okay after all this mess.

I guess that's the difference between things like this, and death. Both are huge stresses that uproot your life. But when the dust settles on job loss, you're okay - maybe even better off. When the dust settled and Samuel was gone forever, it was like waking up in hell and knowing there's no way out. We carry his absence with us every single day.

I guess that's why I know that even thought this is a tough time, a scary, uncertain time, we will be okay. It's just a matter of when, where and how.

Last night, just before 5pm, our realtor called. "I have some news, is now a good time?" Uh, those words are triggering for me. I always expect the worse. Always. I mentally began preparing myself for "The deal fell through....no sale" speech. Instead, I learned that it hadn't fell through, BUT closing would have to be pushed into January because of an issue the buyer is having with the sale of their house.

She apologized profusely, and I assured her it was okay, we'd make it work. I'm sure she was expecting me to be upset, but inside, I felt relief. We have a place to stay for Christmas!

We'll have to change the end date of our utilities, and reschedule the moving pods, but who cares? We just got two extra weeks to get things worked out!

I got off the phone and told Bryan. He was relieved too. And now we can actually set up Samuel's Christmas tree!

It's such a relief to know I'll be able to face the emotions of Christmas without Samuel in our very own home. I was so worried about where I'd be and how it would work. When you're a grieving mama, you need to know where your safe-place is at all time. And now I have one for a little bit longer.

We moved all the boxes out of the living room so we can have a "normal" room in the house (and it's the only one without boxes, let me tell you). And today, Christmas things to make it special!

PLUS, Megan just told me we have enough money in the fund to go a long way towards making the extra mortgage payment we'll now have to make since we need to stay on. There are no words. Only tears.

For those who have giving to our fund: THANK YOU! I really feel taken care of. I wish I had the words to say "Thank You" strongly enough. Just know, you've made a difference. You've helped in a HUGE way. And we're so, so appreciative and grateful <3. I hope someday to be able to repay this kindness.

Today is Day 29. And it feels like a huge relief.

Thirteen Days

If you didn't read my last post, be sure to so you know what's going on.

Today is 13 days until our house closes and we have to be out.

Here's where we are today:

Bryan heard back from the Texas job, they decided to hire locally. So, one down... two to go.

He had a second interview with a company in Portland that he would like to work for. It seems like a great job that would be a good fit. Hopefully, he'll hear back by next week (fingers-crossed!)

He's applied for a lot of jobs in Minnesota. He has yet to hear back. I'm wondering if it's because we live in Oregon. I bet they don't want to pay relocation costs. But who knows.

It's a few weeks before Christmas, probably not the time companies are desperately seeking to hire someone. Maybe he'll have better luck after the new year.

We have the opportunity to move to Minnesota and have my grandmother live with us. She was in a very bad car accident several years ago, and now needs more attentive care. I've always enjoyed spending time with her, so we're considering it. We would buy a home with an area just for her (like a mother-in-law suite), and I'd be her full-time caregiver. It's definitely something I'm open to, but obviously would be a major life adjustment, so we're trying to carefully consider what it would mean for us, and her. I love the idea of giving her a safe, nurturing place to be cared for in her final years. And I also want to be considerate of our own needs. It's something we need to be wise about, so we're taking our time to make the best decision for everyone. I also have some sadness about it because I wonder if Samuel were alive if we'd even consider it. It feels like another thing that is only an option because he's not here, and that's always hard for me. It's complex. But we're considering it.

We have been packing and selling and donating things like mad.

So much for unpacking 9 months ago...ha ha. Thank goodness I saved lots of boxes!

After doing a big move a year ago, I've learned that unless you love something, or really need it, then let it go. It's not worth the trouble to pack, move, and unpack it. So, the second round of downsizing has begun.

I feel good about the things we're keeping, but I still always end up looking at piles of boxes and thinking, "Why do two people need so much stuff?"

There's also the fact that we don't know where we're going, so better to just let things go that don't fit a need.

Basically, at this point, we're trying to decide what's the next move. If Bryan get's the job in Portland, we need to find a place to rent asap. Rent is not cheap there, which is a little scary, but like always, we'll find a way. If he doesn't get the job, we're trying to decide if we should just go ahead and move to Minnesota (to find a place to live and care for my grandmother), or find a place to stay locally until he has a job. We don't want to move needlessly, if he should find a job in a state other than Minnesota. We also have the confusion of what to do if he hasn't heard back from Portland by the time we need to move. Do we stay around just in case he get's it, but are moving slowly? Do we move and just say "sorry, you took to long"? Do we move to Minnesota without a job to support us? UGH! It's a messy mess over here!

A lot of our friends, and most of our family live in Minnesota, so there's something to be said for being around people who can help us.

What to do...what to do... that's the story of my life!

We have our moving pods coming the weekend before we have to be out. We'll get everything packed up and they will store it until we know where to send it. I'm making a few boxes of bare necessities for us to keep with us, so we can live somewhere in the meantime, without all our things.

We're trying to figure out where we'll be for Christmas. Holidays are tough around here, so we don't do much, but it would be great to have a place to put up Samuel's little tree <3. If we can't this year though, it is what it is. He still knows we love him!

Since I've shared what's going on, we've had an outpouring of support. I truly can't say it enough: I'm so thankful for loving friends who care about us. Really, it means SO MUCH!

One friend, in particular, has done something really awesome for us. It's humbling beyond words, and - if you know me in person - very hard for me to talk about because I have a hard time accepting help from people.

A beautiful fellow loss mama, Eden's mama, Megan, has set up a GoFundMe account for us. When she first offered I nearly lost it because it's SO HARD for me to ask for help. I never ever want to put people out, or make them feel uncomfortable. But, as several people have told me, sometimes you have to let people help you.

Hopefully, we'll have more to share about jobs and decisions in the coming days. Thank you all for continuing to walk with us.

(Megan, you're my hero <3)

Twenty-One Days

Remember how last year we were about to move to the Twin Cites, when a company Bryan had interviewed with - but not heard back from - called to say they wanted an in-person interview right away? Remember how they flew both of us out for a long weekend and offered him the job? Remember how we decided to cancel our move to the Twin Cities, and try a new adventure in Oregon, instead? Remember how we moved in town several times until we found a home to purchase? Remember how we spent lots of time and money updating that home and making it ours?

Well, ahem, "funny" story...

One year after they so desperately hired him, offered him an excellent package and paid us to move all the way across the country, and just weeks after a glowing review, he was laid off.

Yeah. I know. 

He came home from work and I could just tell something wasn't right. He looked my in the eyes, took my hand and said "it's going to be okay". (Not a great way to share news with someone who's been through hell, let me tell you - PANIC MODE). My heart sunk, I just knew he was either dying (something I believe is happening at least once a month, or so. Basically whenever he's late getting home.), or has lost his job. It was the job.

His boss had called him in to his office at the end of the day to let him know they were suffering financially and were making cuts. Sadly, he fell into the "last in, first out" category, with several other employees. He told him how sorry he was, then told him he was getting no severance (you know, financial problems), but would get a great letter of recommendation. (Unfortunately, mortgage lenders don't accept this as payment for loans...nor grocery stores for food, for that matter.)

I don't even know what to say about this. As someone who has suffered the worst possible fate, I simultaneously don't handle things well, and realize it's not the worst thing that can happen.

The very first thing I did was laugh. Yeah, laugh and laugh. Of course he was laid off! We had literally just finished ordering new flooring for our new house. Makes perfect sense in our life.  And, the holidays were coming up. And winter. All perfect situations for not having any income.

Then, we both applied to all jobs we could find. We make a list of what we had and what we owed and realized we had two months to find something before we were in major trouble. We immediately stopped spending any money we didn't absolutely have to. (Thank goodness for a stocked freezer and pantry!)

Bryan was looking for jobs locally, but apparently the company he worked for was one of only six in the area that hire engineers of his background. And, none of them were hiring.

We decided we had to expand the net and put our house - the one we had lived in for only nine months and just finished making ours - up for sale.

Yeah, I know. I don't want to talk about it.

Well, I guess I do.

If I've learned anything in the past four years, it's that life just happens and you can't do anything but face it. Things just are what they are.

We listed our house and spent the next ten days living in a spotless home while it showed. Thankfully, we got a full-price offer on the tenth day and now are just waiting to close on December 23rd. Yes, two days before Christmas. Happy Christmas to us. (not).

It's now been two months since this all began. Bryan has been applying to every job he can find that fits, and we literally have no idea where we'll be living in 3 weeks.

I don't know what to say.

It's been very stressful. I'm fluctuating from sad to angry to numb to just lost. All this on top of the fact that this is as hard time of year for us. This is the "diagnosis" time of year, and the "he's going to die any minute" time of year, and the holidays. It's just been tough.

We haven't really told anyone until now, because what's there to say?

I decided to share tonight because we're going to not be at our home and people may wonder where we are. I'll let you know when I know. (Our car, possibly??)

Bryan has leads in Portland, Texas (hello hot hot heat), and Minnesnowta - I mean - Minnesota (we just left the cold and snow, but whatever...)

To say we feel unsettled would be the world's biggest understatement. But, it is what it is.

I'm just going to say for now that we're just plugging along, not spending a dime unless absolutely necessary, packing our things for a trip to who-knows-where, and hoping for an offer soon enough to find a place to live.

It's December 2nd. We have 21 days. Wish us luck...