17 months

It's been too long. Way, way, way to long. and it's only the beginning.

I miss my baby. So, so much. Every day. Every hour. All the time. I miss him.

I've been quiet here. There really is not much to say. I feel like I could go back to last year and just cut and paste in here what I wrote back then.

People say time heals. They lie. He's still just as missing from our lives as the day he left. How could time heal that? What time does is force you to keep going. It won't stop. So you have no choice but to figure out (sometimes while kicking and screaming) how to keep on going with a hole in your life, your family, your heart and your soul. The people five, ten, twenty years out are not more healed because time has passed. They have simply become experts at living with broken hearts. That's what time does.

When people have never lost a child, they see lifelong grief as weakness, selfishness, and even "making the choice to be miserable". Clearly, they don't understand. It's always funny to me how I can talk to someone who doesn't get it and they almost always say the same worn-out and completely wrong things. Then I talk to someone who does and they say exactly what I'm feeling. Funny because people who don't get it are always wrong. Funny because those who do are always on the same page. How can we all be "doing it wrong" in the eyes of everyone else, when we all feel the same way? Truly, you can't understand until it's happened to you.

The only thing is that I tend to not let people get away with being ignorant. So you can't understand it until it's been your life? That doesn't give you a free pass to stay uninformed. If you're backwards in the way you understand grief, I'll let you know. From the moment you know, you no longer have an excuse.

This weekend was ugly. I'm not going to lie. The 14th fell on a Saturday. It was Saturday, it was raining and it was the 14th. It was ugly. I was not good company. I probably should have just stayed in bed. Unfortunatly for those who encountered me, I didn't.

Whenever we try to just go about life, it always gets ugly. I need to have him part of our day.

Sunday, we focused on him and it was much, much better.

We did up his little garden for fall. I think it turned out pretty cute.

I received an adorable little bear in the mail from Little Pieces of Heaven.

Last month, on his special day, we received this beautiful print from our friend Erin. It's a page from The Runaway Bunny (how do I not own that book?) It says: "If you become a little boy and run into a house, said the mother bunny, "I will become your mother and catch you in my arms and hug you".


Isn't it perfect <3

I wish I could catch him in my arms and hug him forever.

I miss him. My 17-month-old big boy.

It's been far too long.