I haven't had a day this bad in a long time.
I woke up today and things were fine. I recently learned of a family who is carrying their baby after a fatal diagnosis and I was going out to shop for things to put in their care package. (If you don't know, I send out care packages in Samuel's memory to families who carry to term).
I was about half way through shopping when I got a message on my phone. I stood to the side of an aisle to read it and my heart stopped when I read the note from a fellow babyloss mom who wanted to let me know they are expecting their rainbow. It's really hard to put into words how it feels when I read those words "we're expecting/we're pregnant". It's like the wind is knocked out of me. It's like the life drains out of my body and I go blank. (For some reason, it's especially hard when it's someone whose loss is more recent then mine. It's like they are cutting in the rainbow line... crazy, I know)
It's really hard to hear. I want to feel happy for them. No one deserves a baby more than someone who's lost one... But I can't help but hurt. I can't help but go to that dark and lonely place in my heart that wonders, Why don't I deserve happiness? Why don't we deserve a healthy baby?
When I get to the place in my heart, it gets really ugly, really quickly. Rage and hurt and anguish flood over me. I can't breathe, I can't focus, I can't function. In my minds eye theres a scene of me screaming and shouting and crying, throwing things all around and shoving people out of my way as I try desperatly to get out of the store. Instead, I put on a brave face, shove the half-full cart up to the cashier and do my best to act like a normal person as I try to check out.
I finally made it out to my car and I sat there and cried and screamed, snotted and choked until I had nothing left.
My soul screams out, Why don't I deserve happiness!?
Why is it that people tell me there are pregnant? I will never understand it. Someone is going to have to explain it. I'm especially flabergasted when it's a babyloss mother who tells me. Of all the people on this planet who know exactly how hurtful it is to hear of a healthy pregnancy, it's a babyloss mom! I honestly don't get it.
Several people have told me they are pregnant lately. I'm at a loss for how to say this in a way that people will understand, so I'll just keep trying to say in the way I have before. PLEASE, please, please - don't tell me you're pregnant! All it's going to do is ruin my day and hurt me. I can't possibly believe that's your goal.
I can't find a way to be happy for you when I'm so very brokenhearted that my baby was stolen away from me. I can't celebrate with you because I don't understand why I don't deserve happiness when you do. I won't watch as you take your perfect little baby home because my house and my arms are desperately and endlessly empty.
Do you think that makes me a bad person? Well than I guess I'm just going to have to be a "bad person". If you knew what's in my heart, you'd know the truth.
There was a time just after Samuel died when it felt like everyone on the earth was pregnant. (really, all the time since then). I could turn to my babyloss friends to vent and we could commiserate with each other. But now I'm one of the only people who hasn't had a healthy little rainbow to bring happiness and hope back into their lives.
Once again, I'm left behind.
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| From Curlsofred |
I totally feel the same way about the "cutting in the rainbow line". For some reason it doesn't bother me nearly as much to know that someone is pregnant if their loss was before mine. But it sucks seeing people whose losses were way later than mine (or someone whose 21), already 6 months pregnant. Definitely a day-ruiner. ((HUGS))
ReplyDeleteOh RaeAnne! My heart aches for you and your empty arms. You are the most caring person. Don't ever believe a lie like "you're terrible" because you're not. You're a normal deeply bereft mama who misses her son. Love you friend.
ReplyDeleteI think of you often, RaeAnne. I think about your empty arms. I think about how you are doing, getting by day after day. I am in the midst of writing a post about the mama's without a rainbow yet. It has just been on my mind so much lately. One of the happiest days of my life will be when I find out that you have a rainbow. Love you.
ReplyDeleteI've been thinking about this a lot this weekend. You're not a bad person, you are hurt and people are insensitive. I remember about a year ago, I was out somewhere public with my mum and she chose that moment to tell me about the daughter of her friend who was expecting her second child. She said it with a massive smile on her face like she actually expected me to feel happiness that this girl was having another baby. I sat there, choking back the tears, telling my mum that she need not share this information with me in future because I did not want or need to know. Her answer was that I did need to know and that I would have found out about it sooner or later. Whilst she did kind of have a point, she was also missing my point entirely. I will never understand why people expect us to be happy about other people's living children and healthy pregnancies when our children and pregnancies have been stolen from us. However, rainbow or no rainbow, I do think we will always feel left behind or left out in some way, because our families will never be complete, there will always be someone missing, and because of that I don't think I'll ever truly fit in with anyone who hasn't lost something so precious. I'll always fit in better with those who understand what I'm missing.
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