You know those times when you're really sick and you feel like you're going to throw up, but you hate to throw up so you do whatever you can do avoid it, only to end up throwing up and feeling better afterwards?
That's how grief is sometimes.
You try to keep it at bay, but it builds up and builds up until you just have to let it all out. I normally feel better when I actually get it out. It doesn't change the fact that he's not here, but sometimes you just need to stop trying to act like you're "better".
I've been putting my grief aside and it's catching up with me.
It's been tough this past week. Bryan has been super sick and at home. The poor man has shingles. Our schedule is all messed up since I've been trying to help him be comfortable and I've been sleeping during the day and awake all night. It's kind of a big mess everywhere and I only care enough to notice it, not enough to actually do anything about it (yet). Samuel's 19-month birthday is this week, so I'm already feeling that. It's also the 2-year anniversary of the day we found out something was wrong. (Wow, it's been a long, hard two years.) The holidays are upon us and I'm trying to balance trying to do something special for Samuel and wanting to just crawl in a hole until it's all over. I'm trying to do something special for All That Love Can Do for Christmas and I'm looking forward to it, but it's a lot of work. I'm just kind of worn out.
This coming weekend is a remembrance event for Faith's Lodge. I'm looking forward to going, but I also know it will be emotional. Last year there was lots of tears, but I'm glad we went. I'm hoping this year will be the same. I want to find something special to wear, but that means going shopping so I'm not sure if that's going to happen...
One good thing: my first official Still Standing article went live on Friday and it was met with a lot of appreciation and support. That meant a lot to me. You can read it HERE. It still feels a bit surreal to be speaking to such a large audience. I little scary and a little bit intimidating. So far, so good though!
I think I just need some time to get it all out. Maybe some Samuel-bunny snuggle time. Maybe some crying my eyes out. Maybe some "no we're not going to come to Thanksgiving because we are not going to pretend to be thankful when our life is like this" notes to family and friends.
I'm tired and I miss Samuel.
I remember the state you were in last year at this time as I read your blog. I was just thinking of that this weekend. You have come a long way. You have picked yourself up and done so much good because of Samuel. You deserve some Bunny Snuggle time. Don't pretend. You are still early in your grief. I am so proud of what you have done, but remember it is okay when you have to drop back sometimes. If you read my latest post on Fittsie's Angels, "The Flavors of Grief" I think it gives a good prospect of grief. I hope you read it. xxx
ReplyDelete