14 Months

Last night - well, technically, early this morning - I cried a thousand tears for my baby.

Around midnight, I couldn't sleep, so I went grocery shopping. It was a warm and calm night with the stars twinkling above. I drove through the quiet streets and felt the peace of being alone in a deserted place.

After returning home and putting everything away, I looked up at the clock and saw the date I'm ever so aware of now: 14. It's his birthday right now. I was facing the fridge and I looked at the photos of his beautiful little face. My heart began to hurt. It's his special day and I can't even hold him or see him or talk to him. I hate this! 

What do you do when you have so much to say and express but no real way to get it out? You cry. and cry. and cry. From the depths of your heart, the tears flow. I went in his room and held bunny for a while. Somehow, in a tiny way, it helps to have something to cry into. As was so normal for me in the beginning, but something I haven't done in a while, I climbed the stairs and crawled into bed next to Bryan to cry. He immediately awoke and held me close. I know, I know, I miss him too. I'm so sorry. He should be here instead.

Probably due to the date, probably due to the time of morning, probably due to the massive hurt and criticism I've faced the past few days,  and mostly because I just miss him so much, I cried until I had nothing left. After a while, I came back downstairs and opened his photo album. Sometimes, I can't look through it. It hurts too much that I can't actually see him, so I have to leave it closed. Last night, I was ready. I poured over the images his sweet little face and hands, feet and tummy. His little nose and ears and arms and everything. How could anyone not be forever changed that this beautiful boy is no longer here? I will never know. I know for certain I am. I will never let him go because he's mine. There is nothing to "get over" since he is always missing and always loved.

I finally fell asleep late in the morning and slept for a long time. I woke up and decided to do something special for myself. I took the gift card Bryan gave me last December (nope, never used it) and made an appointment for a pedicure at the spa.

I went and actually enjoyed it. It was peaceful and relaxing and I needed it. I told myself it was for me and I wasn't going to do anything but read a magazine and relax. I'm glad I went.

I hate that all I can do when I miss him are things that don't really mean anything. All I want is him. I miss him so very much.

Mama loves you, Samuel! You're mamas big boy and you are LOVED and MISSED. 
xoxoxo