The Date

It's hard to talk about things like this. But it's all part of the mess, so here we go...

Bryan and I have been having a tough time lately. To tell the truth, we argue a lot more than we ever have. Behind every crab-fest, is the simple fact of the matter: we miss our baby and we don't know how to be okay without him. We are both hurting and it can be so tiresome to try to do just about anything. Let alone try to be loving and compassionate to someone else all the time.

Lately, I've noticed it's been getting so much worse. Maybe because things just never change. How can they? He will always be missing and it hurts.

Marriage can be hard under the best of circumstances. It's so much harder when we're both so wounded. 

Finally, after a big blow up the other day, we both realized something has to change. What we both need the most is the once thing we can't have. Samuel is not coming back and we can't do a thing about it. But we also can't keep living like this. We had a long talk and decided to put a lot more effort in to loving and taking care of each other. Enough is enough! when it comes to fighting and nagging and the like.

It's so crazy how - within the same day - we can go from snuggling on the couch, to fussing at each other over the dumbest little things. 

We decided to start by going out on a proper date. We haven't done this in ages, it seems. We decided to go out and not talk about grief or stress or anything related. It would be about us.

For the first time in probably a year, I curled my hair and put on makeup. It's strange to see someone who resembles the old me looking back from the mirror. It's like the old me, but not really her. It's the new me - much, much older, worn down and empty (but, with makeup and nice hair). Someday I'll take the time to get to know this new me, but that's for a time when I have more energy.

I actually put on something that resembled a real outfit and I felt like a normal person for a moment as I headed down to meet Bryan. (I think I looked as good as I was going to!)

Bryan did the same (dressed up and did some extra grooming, I mean) and we headed to a nice quiet dinner at our local Italian bistro.

I won't lie, there was no magical evening of love and romance with two carefree people. But we went and we tried, and we even managed to laugh and enjoy the time out.

It was a small step but a much needed one. We know we need to make a better effort. So we are.

In a way, it's like we're both coming back from war. Bloody, bruised, broken and damaged. It was the same war, but we each had such different experiences. It takes a lot for each of us to help the other while we're so hurt ourselves. But we're tying.

Date night used to be once a week for the first few years we were married. Now, we'll try for once a month.
We have no choice, we have to find a way to rebuilding our new life together. It's going to take a lot of time and tons of effort, but we know it's worth it.

Somehow, someway, we're going to make it.