Right Where I Am: 2013

One Year, two months and four days. A moment and an eternity all at once.

Mostly, I feel completely separate from life.I feel entirely out of place in this world. I look around and see only people who are living in their own little bubbles of life. People who believe their attempts at control are precisely what's keeping their family safe and alive. I look and shake my head. I was in a bubble once too. I once believed I was controlling what was happening in my life. Now I fully understand, it has nothing to do with me (or them, but don't try to tell them, they won't believe you).

My faith in life and God and people has changed so dramatically I'm not sure it can ever be regained. Instead, it's going to have to be reformed if I want to keep on going. There are things that happen to a person that are so completely irreparable that no amount of "damage control" can bring them back. The death of your baby for no reason whatsoever is one of those things. His death has damaged my soul. The hope and joy that I once knew is lost. Maybe to be found again, but never in the same way as before. I simply know too much.

There are so many times I wish I could just stop existing. To be done with this life and this mess forever. To be together with Samuel forever and forget all the ugliness of this world. But, as with most of my wishes, there is no fulfillment.

Each day strings together with the last to create an endless loop of simply existing. Doing what must be done to get by. Hiding safety in my house so I don't have to have a world of babies shoved in my face at every turn. Even inside, at times, it's unavoidable as my brain reminds me of everyone I know who is currently mothering their bundles at this very moment. You can't forget once you know.

My heart bursts with love for Samuel. I see his face in the photos and the safe corners of my mind and he melts my heart. The endless cycle of the joy of knowing him, followed quickly by the sharp knife of his absence can be too much to take at times. So much love floating around with no where to land. Endlessly searching for him; That's my soul.

I give myself permission to just be. To not worry about tomorrow, but to know that - for now - I need to take one day at a time. If all I do today is just make it though, then I've succeeded. At other times in this journey of grief, there has been shifting that takes place. After a shift, I can find a new way to move forward. Maybe there's another one coming my way? All I can do is let it happen as it does.

For today, for right now, I am simply an undone version of who I will be. The past is far gone, the present is unclear and unwanted. All I can do is keep going.

This ugly mess of unfulfilled love is my life. All because I wanted to be a mother.

**See HERE to learn more about this project: Right Where I Am.